Saturday, May 1, 2010

Stumbling Blocks

If you've read a few previous posts on my blog, it's clear I've been trying to lose weight for a while. I've been successful to some extent, losing about 30 pounds from my heaviest weight, which I will never ever let myself get back to. However, it still feels like there's something that's holding me back, so I've been trying to figure out what may be keeping me from achieving my weight loss goal. What is my block? Fear? Lack of control and self-discipline? Rebellion? An inability to visualize the end result? A self-defeatist attitude? What is it?

The fear I understand because what might happen after I lose all the weight I want to is a giant unknown. This body is what I've had my entire adult life -- I don't know anything different than this shape. How will my life change if -- no, when -- I lose the weight? Will I feel different? Will I be different? Will be treated differently by others? Will I get more attention from people? It seems like the fear has two facets: internally-based fear and externally-based fear. Part of me is terrified of the added attention I may get if I'm thinner and fitter...but is that attention bad? The other part of me is afraid that I'll somehow change as a person though, intellectually, I know I won't really change except for the better. I'll still be me, the same old Rabia, just in a nicer outer packaging. It probably links into my self-esteem issues, i.e., am I worthy of attention and feeling good about myself? Well, yes I am. I am awesome.

But where does my lack of control and self-discipline come from? Did that just never develop in me? I'm a terrible procrastinator and have been for a long time. If I don't like doing something, I won't do it, or I'll put it off for as long as I can. It's not like my parents were really enablers; certainly my dad isn't. Hmm...

That sort of brings me to rebellion. When I was younger, the rebellion aspect made sense -- parents tell me to watch what I eat, and I said, "To hell with that! I'll eat what I want. HA!" That only affected me, really, so that was a sucky way of rebelling. Now I don't have anything to rebel against. My relationship with my parents is great, and, for the most part, I'm happy with my life. So scratch rebellion off the list...unless it's rebellion against some societal definition of beauty? But no, that doesn't make sense either because why would I then pine for my body to become something like the beautiful female figures like those of Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, or Eva Mendes? Yeah, scratch rebellion off the list.

So that brings me to the inability to visualize my body at its ideal weight despite having Kim, Beyonce, Eva and other curvy ladies as paragons of beauty (kind of). They're healthy, not stick thin, and I definitely do not aspire to stick thin-ness. I even had a friend of mine Photoshop my face on to Kim Kardashian's body because she's my height and has a gorgeous body. The results were a bit hilarious, so even with that device, I couldn't visualize a fit, toned me. I do know that under my layers of extra fat is indeed a stunning body. I can sort of see its potential and strength, but I can't visualize the end result. What would really be awesome is getting my own body Photoshopped into a "final" version.

Even then, even after I get that great visual, will I still say to myself, "Oh that will never happen." Do I have a self-defeatist, I-give-up attitude? I like to think that I don't, and I have been quite successful in the past when I put my mind to and effort into eating healthily and working out regularly. What makes me fall off that wagon, and what makes it so hard to get back on when I know results are very possible?

Maybe it's laziness. Maybe it's physiological. Maybe my body is so used to being this way that it fights any process that wants to change it. Like I said, this body is all I can ever remember. But what's the reality of staying with what I know? A litany of possible afflictions -- heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, fatty liver, depression, anxiety, reproductive system and fertility issues, bone frailty and depression as I get older...the list goes on with what can ail you if you're even slightly overweight. My body has been overweight since I was nine years old. All of my adult life, I've been overweight -- for 21 years I've been overweight. That is a really, really long time. It's time for that to change, face my fears, and visualize a healthier, fitter, and stronger me. In this, my 30th year of life, I made a promise to myself and vowed to become healthy. God willing, I've got another 2/3 of my life to live, and I want to live it well...

UPDATE: Shortly after writing this post, I saw a quote from someone I follow on Twitter, Omar Dhillon -- "If you want something in life that you never had before, then by simple rule of thumb you have to make an effort for it like you have never done before in life." So true.


Miss A said...

I love love love this post! Seriously love it! So well written and exactly what has been going through my mind lately! Sorry it took me so long to read it :)

La Belette Rouge said...

This is a brilliant post and I relate a whole bunch to the rebellion through eating.
I hope you write more about your process. I would love to hear more about it. Congrats to you on 30 lbs. That is amazing.